Self Reflection

Mojo is defined as a charm or a spell.  According to the Austin Powers films, mojo is a life force that makes men want to be like you and women want to be with you.  It's the first name of Jim Morrison's anagram.   Mojo is also my fraternity nickname.  It might come as a shock to some people that my nickname isn't Connors.  Some nicknames stick and some don't.  I guess mine didn't.  I started this blog as an outlet for the backup of crazy thoughts that I have about the world.  At least that's what I tell people.  The truth of the matter is that I started it for two reasons:  1) I'm unemployed which means I have a ridiculous amount of free time and 2) I felt abandoned and left out.  I called this blog "A Little Bit of Mojo" because in truth it's a little bit of me.

I know I am loud.  I know that I can be abrasive.  I know that I am 6'2 and weigh 285 lbs.  I know that I shave my head, and have a goatee.  I know that I look more like an ogre than a leading man.  I know at first glance most people probably think I'm not that bright and some probably believe it after further review.  I know that I have a chip on my shoulder.  I know that no matter how hard I try I always feel like I'm no good.  I know that I have a tendency to concentrate on what I don't have instead of what I do.  I know that I question everything and don't come up with any answers.  I know that slights or imaginary hurts are real things that cause a lot of damages.

I have said many times that if I can become half the man that my father is then I'll be twice as good as most men.  Whatever life throws his way, my father takes it in stride.  Somehow he manages to treat people with a smile and respect even when they don't return them.  He has never failed to support me even when I know that I didn't deserve it.  Unfortunately there have been a lot of those times.  Truthfully I love and respect my father more than anyone.  I have never understood how he manages to stay the course.  He's not an emotional man but that doesn't mean he doesn't care.  He is perhaps the most thoughtful person I know.  Listing my father's attributes makes me acutely aware that I am not even close to half the man he is.

I love books, TV and movies.  Men are always portrayed as brash, funny, tough, smart, stupid, obsessed, detached, thoughtful or thoughtless.  There are a lot of stereotypes about male characters and maybe men in general.  I was watching The Godfather and Johnny was crying to Don Corleone about how his life was going.  Don Corleone responds "BE A MAN!"  Men aren't supposed to cry.  Men aren't supposed to get stressed out.  Men are supposed to be mature.  Men aren't supposed to ask for help.  Men aren't supposed to complain.  Men don't apologize.  By all the definitions, I know that I am not a good man.  I get upset.  I cry.  I get bitter and hostile for no good reason.  I get overwhelmed and withdraw.  I laugh out loud at ridiculous, immature crap.  I apologize when I have hurt someone, even to those who would never apologize to me.  I feel bad about feeling bad.  Sometimes I am too honest.  Sometimes I am not honest enough.

So, why am I writing this?  Why have I shared my opinion of myself?  Because now I am a father.  Despite all my shortcomings God and my wife have seen fit to give me a son.  He's a beautiful, innocent little boy and it is my job to help him navigate this crazy world and become a man.  I have but one hope for him.  I hope that he becomes a far better man than I am.  A man who cares for others more than for himself.  A man who will not worry about the past but will live for the present while planning for the future.  A man who will see the good in people and the world.  A man who will always seek to better himself no matter what he accomplishes.  A man who will love and be loved in return.  Above all I hope that I can become a good enough man to show him how.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection in the last year.  If you are reading this and you know me then please know that if I have ever done you harm in anyway, I am sorry.  I am not writing this looking for any sort of reassurances or accusations.  I know who I am and what I've done.  I also know what and who I want to become.

Well if you are still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that is the case then you have my sympathies.

How is it possible?

How is possible that all this F@#$ING snow hasn't melted yet?  How is it possible that a popular revolution led to military rule in Egypt?  How is possible that gas prices are climbing again?  How is it possible that no matter who is in charge nothing substantive gets done?  How is it possible that it's been a month since I wrote a new post?  How is it possible that my little boy is three months old?  How is it possible that my mother has been gone for 18 years?  How is it possible that my father can drink a bottle of wine everyday and not get a hangover?  How is it possible that Charlie Sheen thinks he can give Lindsay Lohan advice?  How is it possible that the Yankees are calling the Red Sox the favorite in the AL East?  How is it possible that Lindsay Lohan is not serving time?  How is it possible that Daredevil got three stars on Comcast? (This was ML's question but it was too good to not include)  How is it possible that Sarah Palin was ever Governor of anywhere?  How is it possible that I remember as much as I do for my Misguided Children blog?  How is it possible that lower middle class people believe that we'd all be better off without unions?  How is it possible that Republicans seem hellbent on reliving the mid-90s when they shut down the Federal Government?  How is it possible that I have been out of the Marine Corps for eight years?  How is it possible that natural disasters destroy almost everywhere else in the world except the continental United States?  How is it possible that anyone thinks Tyler Perry playing Alex Cross is good idea?  How is it possible that The Miz is still the WWE Champion?  How is it possible that the NFL Owners and NFLPA are so incredibly out of touch with reality?  How is it possible that Rick Lavoie is not a contributor for the History Channel?  How is it possible that I can go months without talking to my two best friends and then pick up right where we left off when we do?  How is it possible that people think Waiting for Superman is a documentary and not propaganda?  How is it possible that people don't see that age and maturity are not linked?  How is it possible that you have read the Tremendous Tales of Nicholas Nobody?  How is it possible that you aren't listening to The Thread Podcast?  How is it possible that I didn't know there was a Red Robin (YUM!!!) at Patriot Place in Foxboro?  How is it possible that I still won't use bullets for these blogs?  How is it possible that Jesse The Machine Green is the best artist that you've never heard of?  How is it possible that the majority of my friends are married and either have or are having children? (How did that happen?)  How is it possible that I have a Masters degree? How is it possible that it's been 235 since there was a revolution in this country? (Might be time for another one)  How is it possible that I still have more questions?  How is it possible that I'll be 35 in less than a month?  How is it possible that I actually want to see Fast Five? (I can't explain it either)  How is it possible that I prefer iced coffee all year round?  How is it possible that people still believe that the end justifies the means?  How is it that more people don't understand that life is what happens when your making other plans?

Well if you are still reading then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that's the case then you have my sympathies.