Mojo is defined as a charm or a spell. According to the Austin Powers films, mojo is a life force that makes men want to be like you and women want to be with you. It's the first name of Jim Morrison's anagram. Mojo is also my fraternity nickname. It might come as a shock to some people that my nickname isn't Connors. Some nicknames stick and some don't. I guess mine didn't. I started this blog as an outlet for the backup of crazy thoughts that I have about the world. At least that's what I tell people. The truth of the matter is that I started it for two reasons: 1) I'm unemployed which means I have a ridiculous amount of free time and 2) I felt abandoned and left out. I called this blog "A Little Bit of Mojo" because in truth it's a little bit of me.
I know I am loud. I know that I can be abrasive. I know that I am 6'2 and weigh 285 lbs. I know that I shave my head, and have a goatee. I know that I look more like an ogre than a leading man. I know at first glance most people probably think I'm not that bright and some probably believe it after further review. I know that I have a chip on my shoulder. I know that no matter how hard I try I always feel like I'm no good. I know that I have a tendency to concentrate on what I don't have instead of what I do. I know that I question everything and don't come up with any answers. I know that slights or imaginary hurts are real things that cause a lot of damages.
I have said many times that if I can become half the man that my father is then I'll be twice as good as most men. Whatever life throws his way, my father takes it in stride. Somehow he manages to treat people with a smile and respect even when they don't return them. He has never failed to support me even when I know that I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately there have been a lot of those times. Truthfully I love and respect my father more than anyone. I have never understood how he manages to stay the course. He's not an emotional man but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. He is perhaps the most thoughtful person I know. Listing my father's attributes makes me acutely aware that I am not even close to half the man he is.
I love books, TV and movies. Men are always portrayed as brash, funny, tough, smart, stupid, obsessed, detached, thoughtful or thoughtless. There are a lot of stereotypes about male characters and maybe men in general. I was watching The Godfather and Johnny was crying to Don Corleone about how his life was going. Don Corleone responds "BE A MAN!" Men aren't supposed to cry. Men aren't supposed to get stressed out. Men are supposed to be mature. Men aren't supposed to ask for help. Men aren't supposed to complain. Men don't apologize. By all the definitions, I know that I am not a good man. I get upset. I cry. I get bitter and hostile for no good reason. I get overwhelmed and withdraw. I laugh out loud at ridiculous, immature crap. I apologize when I have hurt someone, even to those who would never apologize to me. I feel bad about feeling bad. Sometimes I am too honest. Sometimes I am not honest enough.
So, why am I writing this? Why have I shared my opinion of myself? Because now I am a father. Despite all my shortcomings God and my wife have seen fit to give me a son. He's a beautiful, innocent little boy and it is my job to help him navigate this crazy world and become a man. I have but one hope for him. I hope that he becomes a far better man than I am. A man who cares for others more than for himself. A man who will not worry about the past but will live for the present while planning for the future. A man who will see the good in people and the world. A man who will always seek to better himself no matter what he accomplishes. A man who will love and be loved in return. Above all I hope that I can become a good enough man to show him how.
I have been doing a lot of self reflection in the last year. If you are reading this and you know me then please know that if I have ever done you harm in anyway, I am sorry. I am not writing this looking for any sort of reassurances or accusations. I know who I am and what I've done. I also know what and who I want to become.
Well if you are still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that is the case then you have my sympathies.
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