Hypothetically speaking...

There are a bunch of cop shows on syndication throughout the late afternoon.  In fact USA Network has Law and Order SVU and NCIS on from 2 pm til 8 pm nightly.  With almost 1000 channels I think you can probably find one of the many incarnations of Law and Order or CSI on 24/7.  After watching many an hour of these poignant legal investigative dramas, I have come to the following hypothetical conclusions: 1) If you want to murder someone, you're better off killing someone you don't know. It will seem totally random and there will be no way to trace it to you.  2) If you want to kill someone you know then you must make sure that you have never, and I mean never, gotten into any type of argument with the intended victim.  If you have ever shouted at or threatened your intended victim then you have pointed the finger at yourself...  you are better off with a passive aggressive approach where you infuriate them.  3) You can't kill the person in your house or their house or where either of you work.  4)  The actual place of the murder should be dark with no cameras and no witnesses.  I repeat NO CAMERAS OR WITNESSES!!!  5) If you write down what you did or tell even one person, the cops will find them both...  SO SHUT YOUR F@$%ING MOUTH!!!  6) If the cops bring you in for questioning, for the love of God remember the final part of rule number four and SHUT YOUR F@$%ING MOUTH!!!  Remember what Agent Kujan said in The Usual Suspects "First day on the job, you know what I learned? How to spot a murderer. Let's say you arrest three guys for the same killing. You put them all in jail overnight. The next morning, whoever's sleeping is your man. You see, if you're guilty, you know you're caught, you get some rest, you let your guard down."  Or to put it simpler..  if they arrested you then one of two things is happening;  they either made a mistake or they caught you.  Either way, it's not your job to make theirs easier.  How many times have you watched one of these shows where you know, absolutely know, that the cops don't have squat to make a case yet they get the moron to admit it!!!  And finally 7) Don't take the stand at your trial.  You will lose!!  You were dumb enough to commit a crime and get caught...  you're not smart enough to talk your way out of it!!  If you were then you wouldn't be on trial!!!


This list is meant to be light hearted and sarcastic and to thicken the plots of TV cop shows and movies.  The sad truth is that every day you can watch the news and see murders, rapes, assaults and any other despicable acts of violence and no matter how hard the cops work they never seem to catch the perpetrator unless they slip up or come forward because they want to get caught.  Even sadder is the fact that even in a society where the media saturates us with violence to get us to watch, they go to the next gruesome story faster than a man will click channels on Sunday afternoon.  And we forget.  The Herald and The Globe constantly report on the rising level of violence in the city of Boston, but you don't read nearly as many headlines about arrests and convictions.  And we forget.  Everybody says "I don't watch the news because it's too depressing."  Yet the ratings for the shows I mentioned earlier are the highest on TV.  There have been six SAW movies and two Hostels.  If the news is too depressing yet the most popular shows and movies that people watch are gruesome and horrifying then it seems there is disconnect that needs to be addressed.  Everybody loves reality shows yet they don't seem want to see it up close.


Well, if you are still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that's the case then you have my sympathies.