Long Overdue

I believe that when a person goes through a traumatic experience that they either remember every single detail about it and constantly re-experience it or attempt to block it out until the memory resurfaces.  I've battled with my own experience for the last eight years.  I've tried to explain it to my friends with limited or no success.  They either don't or can't understand because they weren't there.  And even though I don't doubt that they care, I know that many of my closest friends haven't really been listening because they are dealing with their own traumas which I completely understand.  We only know our own pain and it's hard to cope with anything outside our own fragile sensibilities.  I've tried counseling but that has limits. The truth is that there is a story to be told.  Once it is told in its entirety, then I hope that I will finally be free of it.

The Misguided Children is my story.  It is both epic and fragile at the same time.  It is comedic, dramatic, tragic, and at times ironic.  I have experienced terror and fear, and great joy and courage.  I don't expect everyone who reads it to understand it.  I don't even expect everyone who reads it to believe it.  I'm not even sure that I believe it all even though it is all true.  It is a work in progress as am I.  If you have been a fan of this blog then I hope you will give it a read.  If you have been bored by my incessant rambling here, then maybe you will like a more structured story.  As I said this is my story, and while I'm not sure if it's anything that anyone will actually want to read, I am absolutely certain that it is one I need to tell.

http://themisguidedchildren.blogspot.com/

What is the point?

So another of Lance Armstrong's former teammates has come forward to say that Lance was using EPO during the 1999, 2001, and 2002 Tour de France.  Why?  Why is it so crucial to media and to the U.S. Government to bring this man down?  We live in a world besmirched by war, natural disasters, a lousy economy, hatred and fear.  Most people are so wrapped up in their sad little existences that they don't even recognize real problems.  Lance Armstrong had brain, lung and testicular cancer...  AT THE SAME TIME!!!  Who cares that he won the Tour de France once or seven times...  HE BEAT THREE DIFFERENT STRANDS OF CANCER!!!  Then he had the unmitigated nerve to use his celebrity to form the Livestrong Foundation which raises millions upon millions of dollars to fight cancer!!  I definitely think that the media and the U.S. Government should spend countless hours and money trying to prove that this man cheated in a bike race.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  The man cheated death!!!  Who the hell cares about a bike race?!?!?  He has one nut left and these lousy bastards want to cut that one off too!!!  The executives that destroyed the economy get a free pass but Lance Armstrong needs to be taken down a notch?!  What other American professional athlete spends as much time trying to inspire people and fund cancer research?!?!  Certainly not any of the whining crybaby millionaires in the NFL who can't even figure out if they are in a union!!!  Certainly not any of the tattoo covered, dope smoking, wife leaving, thug life wanna be "stars" in the NBA!!!  Certainly not any of the drive up each other's asses at 200 mph NASCAR drivers!!!  Certainly not any of the "I'm awesome because I do my job 30% of the time" guys in MLB!!! (Batting .300 is 30% for those who need help!!)  My mother died of cancer and I had to watch it.  I can't help but admire Lance Armstrong.  Nothing anyone has said or will ever say can change that.  Now leave him alone and start going after the people that are destroying the world we live in!

Well, if you are still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that's the case then you have my sympathies.

Rest In Peace Macho Man

I love sports, movies, music, pop culture, comic books, novels, history, beer, and politics.  I like to consider myself relatively well spoken, read and educated.  If I have a vice, an addiction so to speak, it's to pro-wrestling.  I am fully aware of each and every stigma attached to it, and I honestly don't care.  I'm hooked.  I've been hooked since I stayed up to late on a Saturday night in 1987 and saw a guy dressed like Elvis smash a guitar over a stringy haired, bearded dude wearing purple trunks with three white stars on the front and Macho Man printed on the back.  A few minutes later, Hulk Hogan was lead to the ring by a woman in a torn dress to save him.  When the dust settled the two men shook hands in the center ring.  That was my introduction to Randy Savage.  There was something about his weird voice, head band, ridiculous capes, and sunglasses that made him cool.  Twenty three years ago I saw an interview with the Macho Man where he uttered the words "I've got me a tag team partner, and he's the greatest tag team partner that anybody in the world could ever have!!  AND HERE HE COMES RIGHT NOW..."  and out came Hulk Hogan to form the Mega Powers.  I guess I'm a fanboy geek because that is still cool to me.  I always enjoyed watching the Macho Man whether it was for WWE, WCW, NWO, Slim Jim, or occasionally in the movies.  Nobody ever wasted their money to see Randy Savage.  Heaven is a little brighter today and the world is little less colorful.  You will be missed Randy.  You were flawed, a bit crazy, tempermental, talented, entertaining and often imitated but never duplicated.  I wish you fair winds and calm seas.  Rest in peace.

Goodbye.. for now

No more rants.  No more questions.  No more diatribes.  I'm going to shut this blog down for a while and concentrate on the story I started in the Misguided Children.  I've enjoyed writing this blog.  I hadn't written  anything just to write it in a long time.

I love my wife and my little boy.  I love my friends.  I love my life (for the most part).  I have been unhappy for real reasons and venting about the pointless and unimportant.  I need the people that I love the most to be around more.  I miss you and need to know that you're there.  Please don't ditch me now.  I really need you now more than ever.  I'm asking for your help even if you feel I don't deserve it.

This post will not go up on Facebook or Twitter, but rather it is just going to sit here as a beacon.  If you are reading this then I can only assume that at one time or another we were friends.  If that's the case then I hope we still are cuz I miss you.

Slighted

Lately I've been using this blog to ask questions that occur to me, but today I'm gonna rant a bit.  So I've been a shut-in now going on what seems like forever.  Boredom and cabin fever have taken over and they are playing absolute havoc on my mental and emotional states.  I feel completely out of touch and disconnected.  I know that I've had a serious case of seasonal depression.  I was watching Hoffa last night and Jack Nicholson tells Danny DeVito that he shared information with another Teamster because "If a guy's close to you, you can't slight 'im. You can't slight that guy. A real grievance can be resolved; differences can be resolved. But an imaginary hurt, a slight - that motherfucker gonna hate you 'til the day he dies."  This got me to thinking about what constitutes a slight?  Words, actions, a combination? Is it ignoring or being indifferent to some one's feelings?  Is it purposely pissing them off and then acting like you did nothing wrong when you knew they'd explode just not to the degree which they did? Is it lying to someone to "protect" their feelings?  Is it making excuses? I'm not talking about a dictionary definition here.  I could look it up if that's what I wanted.  No.  What I want to do is write a real world definition complete with examples of things that if you do then you'll probably be guilty of slighting someone. 


A slight is a perceived feeling of being left out or screwed over by someone important or close.


First off, once and for all accept that words hurt.  It's a stupid little joke that words can never hurt you.  Some of the most painful things in the world are words.  I'm a big dude and I can take a punch or a kick, but some of the most pain I've ever felt have been caused by words.  Here are some phrases that I think classify as slights and what is actually meant/heard:

• I don't want to be rude, but... (something really nasty is coming!)
• I've just been so busy lately... (and you don't really matter to me!)
• I've been meaning to talk to you... (no you haven't!)
• I would've written, but I didn't know what to say... (actually I'm just totally insensitive/lying!)
• If you're hurting then it's on you... (I don't care because I'm not hurting!)
• Respect me enough not to ask me why... (I know you won't agree and might have a valid point that I don't want to hear!)
• Everybody's going through some stuff... (and I really don't care about your shit!)
• That's not the same as... (thank you for belittling how I feel because you think you've been through worse!)
• We wanted to include you but... (insert lame ass reason here!)
• You're too... (short, average, dumb, loud, arrogant, simple, mean, nice. etc!)
• Please check this out...  (thing you've been excluded from)
• I didn't think you'd say yes... (thanks for giving me an option)
• I'm broke... (then you post something on facebook about spending money or going somewhere!)
• I don't care about...  (Yes you do! Ever notice that you only say this about stuff that bothers you?!)
• I just figured... (actually you didn't even think so you shouldn't start this way)
• It's not that big a deal... (if it's causing an issue then it's a big deal!)
• You never listen.. (this one's good when it comes from someone who never opens up!)
• YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN... (caps signify yelling. irony?)
• I talked to you about this... (WHEN?!?! Never happened and you're desperately looking for an out!)
• Well I don't have time to deal with this... (or you because you don't matter!)
• How dare you... (consider how you'd feel if someone says this to you?!?!)
• Stop being so sensitive.. (thanks for belittling me!)

I know that I've said a lot of these phrases and that means that I have slighted people and for that I am sorry.  But these are lines I've been hearing a lot lately either to me or to friends of mine and I think that it should be noted that the only person who feels better when these phrases are said is the speaker.  Trust me when I say this, you are not protecting the other person's feelings or appearing sympathetic if you say these things to a friend who is hurting and needs help.  On the contrary you are coming off as a sanctimonious asshole and you are in danger of making an enemy!!

Well if you're still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that's the case then you have my sympathies.

WTF?!?!?!

I wish I had a funny motive for this blog, but it occurs to me that so many things are so seriously F@#$ED up in the world right now that humor might not be the best way to address them.  What is going on with the weather? Why do we do think that sending money will help victims of natural disasters?  They need people to actually help them!  How the hell am I still unemployed?  When is the NFL going to realize that trying to figure out how to divide $9 BILLION in revenue is a problem that everyone else would love to have?  Who is going to rise up next?  Where is the compassion?  What happened to moral outrage?  Why do I always have to reach out first?  How are we going to fix this planet?  When are we going to realize that "Not in my backyard" is a pathetic way to go through life?  Where are groups like the NAACP, NOW and GLAD when disasters happen? (Can they only help people when people create the problem?)  How do we continue to ignore the people who matter most to us and care about that which truly shouldn't matter? What should matter more: fear or respect? Why don't religious people practice the tolerance that all religions preach?  Who was the last person who said on their deathbed that they wished they'd spent more time at work?   How did I forget the order of these questions?  When are we going to stop dreaming big and living small?  What is so wrong with wanting accountability and fairness?  Why do we say "I don't care" about the stuff that really bothers us?  Where is it written that it's better to do nothing when you know someone needs help?  Who is still reading?  How is it all going to end?  Why am I so filled with anger and jealousy instead of love and compassion?  When is the world going to wake up?  Where do I get off asking these kind of questions?  What is wrong with the Bruins?  Who will be next to get married and have kids?  How long will it take certain people to realize that words can and do hurt but not as much as indifference?  Why does my friend Mark's happiness seem to coincide with so much misery around the world? When will you vote for Smokin Hoggz BBQ?  How often? Who will be at the Quincy Bar Crawl this weekend?  What will Brayden's first word be?  Where has the time gone?

Well if you're still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that's the case, then you have my sympathies.

Self Reflection

Mojo is defined as a charm or a spell.  According to the Austin Powers films, mojo is a life force that makes men want to be like you and women want to be with you.  It's the first name of Jim Morrison's anagram.   Mojo is also my fraternity nickname.  It might come as a shock to some people that my nickname isn't Connors.  Some nicknames stick and some don't.  I guess mine didn't.  I started this blog as an outlet for the backup of crazy thoughts that I have about the world.  At least that's what I tell people.  The truth of the matter is that I started it for two reasons:  1) I'm unemployed which means I have a ridiculous amount of free time and 2) I felt abandoned and left out.  I called this blog "A Little Bit of Mojo" because in truth it's a little bit of me.

I know I am loud.  I know that I can be abrasive.  I know that I am 6'2 and weigh 285 lbs.  I know that I shave my head, and have a goatee.  I know that I look more like an ogre than a leading man.  I know at first glance most people probably think I'm not that bright and some probably believe it after further review.  I know that I have a chip on my shoulder.  I know that no matter how hard I try I always feel like I'm no good.  I know that I have a tendency to concentrate on what I don't have instead of what I do.  I know that I question everything and don't come up with any answers.  I know that slights or imaginary hurts are real things that cause a lot of damages.

I have said many times that if I can become half the man that my father is then I'll be twice as good as most men.  Whatever life throws his way, my father takes it in stride.  Somehow he manages to treat people with a smile and respect even when they don't return them.  He has never failed to support me even when I know that I didn't deserve it.  Unfortunately there have been a lot of those times.  Truthfully I love and respect my father more than anyone.  I have never understood how he manages to stay the course.  He's not an emotional man but that doesn't mean he doesn't care.  He is perhaps the most thoughtful person I know.  Listing my father's attributes makes me acutely aware that I am not even close to half the man he is.

I love books, TV and movies.  Men are always portrayed as brash, funny, tough, smart, stupid, obsessed, detached, thoughtful or thoughtless.  There are a lot of stereotypes about male characters and maybe men in general.  I was watching The Godfather and Johnny was crying to Don Corleone about how his life was going.  Don Corleone responds "BE A MAN!"  Men aren't supposed to cry.  Men aren't supposed to get stressed out.  Men are supposed to be mature.  Men aren't supposed to ask for help.  Men aren't supposed to complain.  Men don't apologize.  By all the definitions, I know that I am not a good man.  I get upset.  I cry.  I get bitter and hostile for no good reason.  I get overwhelmed and withdraw.  I laugh out loud at ridiculous, immature crap.  I apologize when I have hurt someone, even to those who would never apologize to me.  I feel bad about feeling bad.  Sometimes I am too honest.  Sometimes I am not honest enough.

So, why am I writing this?  Why have I shared my opinion of myself?  Because now I am a father.  Despite all my shortcomings God and my wife have seen fit to give me a son.  He's a beautiful, innocent little boy and it is my job to help him navigate this crazy world and become a man.  I have but one hope for him.  I hope that he becomes a far better man than I am.  A man who cares for others more than for himself.  A man who will not worry about the past but will live for the present while planning for the future.  A man who will see the good in people and the world.  A man who will always seek to better himself no matter what he accomplishes.  A man who will love and be loved in return.  Above all I hope that I can become a good enough man to show him how.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection in the last year.  If you are reading this and you know me then please know that if I have ever done you harm in anyway, I am sorry.  I am not writing this looking for any sort of reassurances or accusations.  I know who I am and what I've done.  I also know what and who I want to become.

Well if you are still reading this then you obviously have as much time on your hands as I do and if that is the case then you have my sympathies.